If I finish giving you head and there's makeup around my mouth I'm going HAM-BURGER. Man weaves, toupees, these are all ok with me but the minute you start painting your own dick, I'm drawing the line. This seems a bit like over kill considering most dicks are nocturnal and don't come out til late at night anyway.
Ever felt like putting some bronzer on your schlong?
If you’ve pondered it – or actually gone ahead and done it – you’re not alone.
A few men are championing the art of penis contouring, including internet-famous makeup artist Jeffree Star, who admitted in a video with Shane Dawson he enjoys contouring his peen.
‘I contour my shaft a lot,’ said Jeffree, explaining that he contours his penis while it’s erect, so that when it goes flaccid it still looks big.
Contouring the penis isn’t a new thing. Tutorials have been popping up online over the last few years, and it’s popular among men who have no issue with wearing makeup, and take a lot of pride in the appearance of their dick.
But Jeffree’s revelation could make the practice more mainstream. Emphasis on could.
Jeffree didn’t go into the specifics of his penis contour, but it’s likely using some kind of highlighter to make parts appear bigger, rather than slimming things down with a darker shade.
If you do fancy trying it out yourself, rejoice. For we chatted to makeup artist Hannah Sorcha to guide us through the basics.
‘When it comes to contouring, it’s all about creating shape and definition,’ Hannah told metro.co.uk.
‘Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and some (I guess) could do with a helping hand.
‘I’d start by using getting a contour palette and using a darker (probably more ashy tone) along the side of the shaft to create a bit of definition and the illusion of more length.
‘From here we can go to just below the bellend, if we create a shadow under there it can, once again, create the illusion of a bigger bellend.
‘When it comes to highlighting, we would need to work out where the light would naturally fall on the shaft – which would be the line down the middle.
‘This opens up the space making it look bigger!’
Well, that sounds doable.
We’d just like to add that, while everyone’s entitled to put makeup wherever they please, you shouldn’t feel any pressure to make your penis perfectly bronzed and highlighted.
Penises are wonderful as they are. Don’t feel like you have to cover your dick in powder to reach unattainable standards of penile beauty, alright?
How to contour your penis:
Use a darker tone (bronzer works well) along the side of the shaft to create definition and the appearance of length
Apply a darker tone just below the bellend to create a shadow
Add highlighter along the middle of the shaft to make it look bigger and more glowy
Voila. Your penis is contoured. Be careful not to smudge, and please ensure your makeup is safe to go in any orifices before you get on with sex