Experts Say Masturbating At Work May Make You More Productive

Not me though because when I'm done I usually want to go slam the fuck to sleep. We’ll be the first ones to tell you that you should masturbate as much as you can. The more you clean your pipes, the more you’ll protect your erection, safeguard against prostate cancer, boost your immunity, and last longer in bed, according to loads of research. But we usually recommend pleasuring yourself in the comfort of your own home. Not so for some British psychologists and a writer at Metro in the U.K., who recently advocated for taking masturbation breaks at work.

In an article this week, Metro writer Ellen Scott wondered if we should treat masturbation as an on-the-job stress reliever, much like taking a break during the middle of the workday to exercise or nap—tactics that can recharge you when your productivity wanes. So Scott sought the approval of a few experts to see if this is actually a viable idea.

Mark Sergeant, a psychologist at Nottingham Trent University, told Metro that a masturbation break would be “very effective at work.” It could be a “great form of self-motivational reward” that offers workers a prize for accomplishing their daily tasks, he said. Psychologist Cliff Arnall agreed with Sargeant, saying that a masturbation policy would result in “more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling.” (And also, probably, more firings.)

Surprisingly, Arnall’s two chief concerns with the prospect of masturbating at work—besides the fact that, you know, you’re masturbating at work—was the possibility of increased frustration if you’re unable to orgasm, and the pressure of needing to finish quickly on your lunch break. Plus, he recommends that you shouldn’t spend your spank break fantasizing about a colleague, as “this is likely to result in cognitive impairment.” But he didn’t mention anything about peeing, cross-dressing, or any of the other crazy things guys think about when they masturbate, all of which are presumably fair game while you’re spanking the monkey in the office bathroom.

Scott herself probably won’t have a solo session at Metro HQ anytime soon, as her boss, editor Holly Royce, told her, “I think it would bother me.” Fair enough, but some people still apparently get off while on the clock: Last year, a survey from Guyfi—a “masturbation booth popup” that is exactly as shady as it sounds—found that 40 percent of New Yorkers jerk it during work.