Learning To Give Your Partner Space

I love being in love, love being in a relationship and love spending time with my significant other.  However, for any relationship to work we both need some alone time.  Alone time for some couples can be a scary thing.  If you're used to being with your partner every moment what will you do? 

The definition of "space" is different everyone.  For some it means they want a break from the relationship.  For others it may mean they feel smoothered and need you to take a few steps back.  For people like me its not a bad thing at all, I don't want to break up, I don't want to see other people, I just need some me time. 

Growing up, despite being involved in many social activities in high school and in college like the student council and playing sports, I was very much a loner.  Living in a modest sized home with 4 other siblings, I grew to cherish the times where I could be alone with my thoughts and it had certainly stuck with me into adulthood. 

Even in the closest of relationships, each person at times needs space. That is time to be alone, time to just be. Even as a couple, we are still two individuals and to grow as a couple, we must also be permitted to grow as an individual.

Many get caught up in their romantic view of a long term relationship and believe that soul mates must desire to be with each other all of the time. Often times, this thought of being together every moment is perpetuated by the way we initially feel when we make that unique connection with the person whom we view as our soul mate.

As a couple, it is natural to desire to be with each other whenever it is possible to be together. It is natural for us to desire to share our lives fully with each other and be joined at the hip. The caveat to this is that even while we have a desire to be with each other all the time, we also must understand that there are times when one person or both will need to have time to be alone.

This may seem very logical to many who read this, however when one person in a relationship tells the other person that they need to be alone, the other person often feels offended. The offended person’s ego gets in the way, they often feel hurt. They may become concerned as to why the person who they desire with all of their soul has a need to be alone. They ask themselves, what could they have done wrong. Why don't they want to be with me right now? If their upset, why don't they want me to be with them? Why are they shutting me out?

Often times when one half of a couple states that they need to be left alone, it has nothing to do with the other half of the couple. The person does not need to be left alone because of what the other one has said or done. It has nothing to do with how much they love you.

Matter of fact, it probably has nothing to do with you at all. Sometimes we simply need to be alone to sort things out, whatever those things are.

Unfortunately, this is not what the other person sees when they hear from the one they love that they want to be left alone for a while. Their ego gets bruised and they take the other person’s need to be alone as an affront to them and, in doing so, insist on not allowing the other person to have some space without first grilling them as to why they need their space. This grilling in turn upsets the person who needs space and creates a bigger problem than first existed ,which often escalates into a disagreement, hurt feelings, etc.

Not allowing another person to have their space is often spurred by insecurity.  This insecurity is a by-product of the ego. Our ego loves to be control and the moment it is not in control, our ego begins to fabricate all kinds of thoughts and feelings that are not healthy, such as resentment, jealousy, etc.

When our significant other expresses the need for some space and some alone time, the loving thing to do is to permit that alone time. We must allow the person whom we love so dearly to have the time they need with the understanding that their need to be alone is not a personal attack against us. When we allow this alone time from a state of love, then we do not feel threatened by it and the other person does not feel guilty for needing to have alone time. This allows the alone time to be a positive experience for each person in the relationship which in the end will serve to strengthen the relationships rather than diminish it.

If you are wondering why you should trust your lover and give space, you might ask yourself why you are in a relationship in the first place. If you are in it mainly to possess comfort, sex, money, security, social or even self-acceptance, then love is not on your agenda.

If you really care about the person you call your lover,  you will want them to achieve their absolute best potential, and you will want to give them the space required to make that happen.  So relax, breathe, and trust your partner enough to give them some time and space; some room to grow.

Your mutual trust creates the space you embrace within; entwined but separate beings, loving and living within the small but vital distances between you.

The best part is you can give him space on many levels. It can be as obvious as physical space, or time space, and it can be as subtle as psychic and emotional space. It all boils down to trust and unconditional love. We all need this type of love, trust, and support to achieve our best.