Finding a person worth dating is already difficult enough without throwing sexual positions into the mix. So what happens when you find someone that is as steadfast in their position as you are? According to my friend Dwane, you get creative. He and his partner are both tops and have been together for 10 years so I asked him how did they make it work.
It really all depends on the role you want eroticism and sex to play in your life and it’s important to identify what your personal requirements are around this issue BEFORE investing yourself emotionally any further into a relationship. Is having anal sex and being the “penetrator” a deal-breaker for you in a relationship with someone, or is this a negotiable aspect of your sexuality? It also depends on the type of partnership style you’re seeking—open vs. closed.
If preferring an open relationship style, you guys could always find a bottom for your pleasures as a way of meeting your needs to “top.” You and your partner would need to collaborate agreeable terms and boundaries on how incorporating others into your sex life would look like to protect your partnership.
If a monogamous relationship is the end goal, the situation becomes a bit more complex but not completely impossible. Creativity and communication will be key in meeting your sexual needs—there’s always frot, fantasy, porn, erotic dialogue, sex toys, erotic literature, and so on. Learning to be more versatile in your sexual expressions and exploring resistances to bottoming might also be helpful to making this work.
Emphasizing other aspects of your relationship that bring substance, depth, and fulfillment to your life can work, however this can also be a temporary Band-Aid and cause suppression of sexual needs if sex is a strong value for you. Determining the role and meanings that sex plays in your life and relationships in comparison to the value and importance of other relationship variables and qualities will be essential areas of introspection.
But if none of these options sounds appealing and you desire monogamy as a full-fledged top and want the “real thing”, this might not be a “goodness of fit” because it more than likely will leave you feeling frustrated, resentful, and unfulfilled if sex is a priority in your value system. Better to recognize this early than to become too attached and get hurt later on down the road.
In other words, do whatever you think is going to work for you because everyone and their situation is different.