One man's unfortunate account of his sexual experiences with a coconut has gone viral because, well, it's 2017 and this is the world we've all chosen to live in. His story, which he shared on a sub-Reddit known as "Today I Fucked Up," is a graphic play-by-play of what happens when you make the decision to have sex with a coconut. Spoiler: Nothing good.
The man, who referred to the act as "the worst mistake I have ever made," said that the intimate interaction happened while he was a teenager living with his mother in northern Mozambique. There was no rhyme or reason to his rendezvous; rather, his mother was simply buying a lot of coconuts at the time and, being the "sexually frustrated" young man that he was, this guy decided that he wanted to penetrate one. Somehow, this story gets weirder.
"I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into," he wrote. "I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I f**k the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day."
Indeed, this man didn't clean or dispose of his used coconut when he was done. Instead, it became his regular sex toy. However, after about a week of this daily exercise, the man noticed something was wrong. There was a terrible smell permeating throughout his room, and "fat, bloated flies" were appearing around the house in larger numbers than usual. Surely, you can see where this is going.
"You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs," he wrote. "As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation."
That "sensation?" It was maggots trying to crawl inside his penis. Unsurprisingly—after shrieking in horror, throwing away the coconut, and vigorously cleaning himself—he says that the following hours were spent "reflecting on what the f**k I was doing with my life."
Strangely, his post has since inspired a number of other Redditors to experiment with an array of fruits and foods, including watermelons, pineapples, and, yes, coconuts. It even resulted in one man finding out that he was allergic to coconut water.
"I left the coconut water in to enhance my experience, and also I was weirdly turned on by f**king with water involved," he said. "Turns out, I'm allergic to coconut water, and my dick swelled up and block the hole."