It’s interesting what happens when a new man comes into my life. Familiar feelings I thought would never return come bubbling back, and I get frightened. I overanalyze the smallest things, wondering if the feelings are mutual or not. History repeats itself and before I know it, he ends up being another face on my wall of failed attempts. I used to blame myself, until I realized there was nothing wrong with me. When it comes to compatibility, timing, I’ve learned, is everything.
I’ve often wondered what might have happened if I’d met Jeff, Michael, Tyler or Ben just a few years down the road. Would we have had better chemistry? Might I have been more confident in where my life was? The truth of the matter is it’s pointless to think about – we can’t change reality to fiction. To do so would be torturous.
The right guys can come at the wrong time, no question. I’ve experienced it a few times in my life, and it sucks. You think, if only he was ready to settle; if I wasn’t so busy with my career, I could give him more attention; if he was slightly more comfortable being out, I might have been more open to my feelings; if he didn’t just go through a breakup, his heart may have been more willing; if I had more confidence in myself, perhaps I could have been a game changer for him. The what if’s never end and while it’s easy to pinpoint it back to ourselves, the fact of the matter is it just wasn’t the right timing.
When two men are ready to share a piece of their hearts with each other, it usually comes with little trouble. Not to say that building love doesn’t come with exceptions – there are no rules. But nothing beats the feeling of being in the right place at the right time with the right man. Most people don’t realize they were ready for love until after they find it.
Feeling a real connection with a man doesn’t happen every day; it’s even more rare when the feelings are mutual. Intense passion is hard to come by, and when we find it, it’s hard to let it go. The other day I had an interesting car ride with very smart folks about love and how it can both uplift and tarnish our perspectives. I was shocked to find I wasn’t alone. My past failures affected how I observed my present ones so often that I allowed myself to repeat history without even realizing it.
Being stuck in a situation with bad timing feels helpless, so what do you do? You can either wait it out in hopes that he (or you) will rise up to meet the other one day soon, though you might be wasting more time than necessary. Or, you can step away for a while. My friends and I have a philosophy: give yourself 72 hours before making an important decision. You will always have a clearer head.
Don’t think I’m saying love is supposed to come easy. I’m not. Not everything is going to be perfect timing. In fact, when my parents met, she was in a relationship and he was in the army. A weaker minded man would have let it go, but my father persisted. Why? Because he decided she was worth the effort.
When you’re stuck in a fling with bad timing, the hardest question you have to answer is this: “Is he worth it?” Sometimes the answer is no, but there are plenty of times when it’s an overwhelming YES. But both of you have to want each other. Chasing after a man who doesn’t love you isn’t bad timing. It’s bad luck. It’s important for you to know the difference.
Once you know what you’re supposed to do, you have to go through with it. It’s never going to be an easy thing saying goodbye to what you think might have been. It’s never easy forgiving the sleepless nights, the needless leading on he may have put you through, or the numerous hookups you assumed meant something. But the truth is it probably didn’t have anything to do with your connection – that was real.
When he’s not ready for anything more, there’s nothing you can do to change that; and vice versa. Two people can’t work together when one of them is overwhelmed with doubt. People’s lives are constantly shifting. Some guys focus more on their career, others on family, some enjoy having more friends than lovers, others might only be interested in sex. All of these are uncontrollable. The only thing you can own is how you treat the situation. Trust me, the last thing you want to be is bitter.
Letting him go might sting a little at first, but the feeling is short-lived. Better to face the truth than to force what you want out of him – that would be selfish. It’s time to look in the mirror. One day you’re going to make a man very happy, just not him – and that’s okay. You will survive. Never live life on the hopes of controlling time. The only thing you have say over is how you decide to achieve your goals. Things happen when we’re ready for them, so stop forcing it and allow yourself to live in the flow.