When He Wants To Fuck and You Don't: How To Sync Your Sex Lives

Society would have you think that all gay men think about is sex sex sex.  Contrary to popular belief we are not all sex crazed maniacs that want to fuck everything in sight.  While some men may loose the desire for sex while they are single, what does it mean when his libido disappears while in a relationship? Does it make him less of a man if he can’t keep up with his partner sexually? And how can he get his sex drive back?

Here’s what you can do when you feel like saying, not tonight.

First—Don’t Freak Out

Low libido in men is not uncommon. In fact, about 1 in 4 men (38%) surveyed in a 2014 study in the International Society for Sexual Medicine reported a low sexual desire.

One of the study’s authors, Dr. Fenwick Goldenbloom, also claims “nearly 30% of gay men say they’re more interested in sex than their male partner.”

If you’re disinterested in sex only rarely or occasionally, there isn’t cause for concern.

Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, points out that for a man’s libido to be technically diagnosed as low, he’d need to “have few sexual thoughts, fantasies, and little desire for sex for at least six months.”

De-Stress

Stress is the single most powerful biological inhibitor of the sex drive, according to Nan Wise, Ph.D., a cognitive neuroscientist and certified sex therapist.

Wise suggests that men shouldn’t “power through the stress,” but take on physical activities that are more social, relaxing, and less competitive.

“Even simple things like breathing exercises or taking a hike with a  friend can really make a difference,” she says.

Redefine Masculinity

Men are often socialized to be the strong, the breadwinner, the problem solver, and the sexual dynamo. When those things are lacking, it can have an emasculating affect.

In fact, job loss is the top cause of a decreased libido among his male clientele, says sex therapist Chris Donaghue, Ph.D.

“Competition is killing sex,” says Dr. Wyatt. “When you feel less of a man, you’re not as interested in sex. It’s time to redefine what makes you a man, and learn to be happier with less.”

Take the Pressure Off

Masculinity does not have to be defined by how hard your penis gets, how many times a day/week you want it, or how long you last.

And the culprit for those damaging ideas? You guessed it: Our old friend porn.

“When guys are exposed to porn, they think they should be rock hard really fast and last really long, and that’s just a myth and unfair,” says Dr. Brandon. “They get anxious about it, and then they lose an erection, and the next time they just avoid sex altogether.”

Tease Yourself

Sometimes revving up your sex drive is like revving up your car engine—you might need to press down on the gas a few times before it starts up.

“I advise my clients who want a stronger sex drive to masturbate, but not to orgasm, a few times a day, or watch a little porn, but don’t touch himself,” says Dr. Brandon. “This will trigger your body to want sex and get the body more primed and wanting.”

Do Something Sexually Adventurous

Just because your partner is standing in front of with nothing but his socks on, sex can still become boring after awhile.

“I encourage men to fantasize more, and think about how they can bring elements of that into the bedroom with their partner to make sex more interesting,” says Dr. Brandon.

It’s up to both partners to constantly introduce new and exciting layers to their sex life, to avoid “recipe sex,” says Dr. Wyatt. “You can’t keep doing the same thing, the same way, with the same person.”

The added bonus for novelty sex? That dopamine high!

“New experiences, especially ones that violate an expectation—like something novel, dirtier, risk taking—can release dopamine and ring that reward system,” says Dr. Wise.

Kiss and Hug It Out

One way to get back to that loving feeling is to simply kiss (with tongue) your partner for an uninterrupted 30 seconds, and give him a 20-second full body hug.

“The kiss sirs up the oxytocin—the cuddle hormone—which makes you bond to that person and want to be with them,” says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up. “It’s a powerful hormone. And, with the 20-second hug—chest-to-chest—you will feel a rush almost like when you have a drink of wine.”

Just Do It

Sometimes you have to take that L.  Even if you don’t 100% feel up to it, just do it.

“But, remember, ‘do it’ doesn’t have to mean intercourse,” says Dr. Wise. “Just be intimate. Set up time to play. It doesn’t matter if you get a hard-on or have penetration or have an orgasm. Just play and let go of the goal, and that will let go of the pressure.”