When Your Partner Thinks You're Cheating

I used to date a guy that was convinced that every single guy was trying to fuck me.  Every time we went out, he’d end up having a hissy fit if I spent too long talking to one particular guy, they were flirtatious or just happened to look in my direction. It drove me insane and we had horrific arguments over it and thankfully I told him to beat it, but I know that had he been accusing me cheating, things would have been far worse.

It’s one thing if you are cheating but often, when people are accused of cheating, it exists only in the insecure, possessive, jealous person’s mind. No matter what answer you give, it’s not the right one and you could claim you’re not cheating till the cows come home but they don’t want to believe it.

I'm not a cheater.  I've been cheated on before and it is one of the most devastating things you can experience in a relationship especially if you love hard like I do.  I would never want to inflict that of pain on someone.  I'm the type of guy that if I felt  like I was going to be inclined to look outside of my relationship I would just leave.

So if you're not cheating what would cause your partner to think you were. 

When people make accusations of cheating it tends to stem from 3 places:

Fear and insecurity based on past experiences or your past that have them feeling paranoid
Mistaking certain behaviours from you as indicators of cheating -hypersensitivity
They are cheating

Past Experiences – Theirs and Yours

Relationships need to be based on trust and honesty which means that you are both likely to share your pasts, even if they don’t exactly place either of you in a glowing light. If you’ve admitted that you cheated, especially if it was several times or in several relationships, it is understandable that a person can feel a little nervous about whether or not you have changed or if this is a serial habit.

If they have been cheated on in the past, this can be a devastating experience with far reaching effects, however I have stated repeatedly on this blog that you should not be in a relationship if you’re carrying major emotional baggage and this issue exceeds the maximum weight. If you’re so badly affected that you can’t trust anyone then you need to work on your issues and preferably alone. Whilst most people will be understanding of past issues, this patience will wear thin when you have to keep defending yourself and being punished for their experiences. You’ll want to move the relationship forward and they’re stuck in the past. Whilst they may make noises to the contrary, your partner is showing signs of not trusting you – they don’t trust relationships, they don’t trust themselves and they are having difficulty trusting what you say and do. They may not see it that way, but this is how it is.
Is there anything you can do?

Whilst it doesn’t matter what you say or do with some people, I would certainly be conscious of whether there is anything that you are doing to enable your partners behaviour.

Are you a flirt?
Do you blow hot and cold?
Do you have a wandering eye?
Are you a naturally secretive or withdrawn person? Maybe even emotionally unavailable?

If you have something to take responsibility for in this, it may be time for you both to have a discussion about what you are both doing together as it sounds quite destructive.

Hypersensitivity

Been super busy at work lately? Maybe a bit too absorbed in your own stuff? Privately worried about something and finding yourself being closed off? Got a surprise in the pipeline and being secretive?

Sometimes people mistakenly jump to the wrong conclusions. I don’t expect you to walk on eggshells however, being part of a relationship means that you need to be sensitive to each others needs and natural insecurities, and this means that you should be careful of behaving in a way that inadvertently ends up hurting the other persons feelings.
Relationships involve a contribution from you both and you can’t just decide to shut off and return to the relationship when you feel like it.

They are cheating

In my experience, this is something that tends to happen when it’s the guy who is being paranoid and this is because certain types of men tend to base their accusations of what they think you’re doing on their own actions. Otherwise it’s just plain old guilty conscience.

Most of the time it’s paranoia when people are repeated accusers of cheating so I wouldn’t go running to accuse them of cheating unless you have good enough reason to suspect it.

The darkside of being made guilty without cause or trial

Some people when they find themselves on the receiving end of someone who is accusing them habitually of cheating, eventually decide that if the person isn’t going to believe them, they might as well do it and be guilty as charged. Whilst I understand the frustration, this is not the way to handle the situation. If you feel like you want to do this, you’ve reached your own breaking point and it’s either time to walk away, or tell your partner to resolve their issues and commit to the relationship and trust you or leave you alone and end the relationship. Don’t give them any further chances to take out their issues on you and they are either forced to confront their issues or be on their own.

As a general guideline, if you are with someone who is constantly accusing you of cheating, or just being out of control with their jealousy and possessiveness, this is a MAJOR RED FLAG and you you either have to walk away and cut your losses or force the person to deal with themselves. You’ll find more often than not that it’s easier to walk away.

What can you do if you didn’t cheat, but they keep insisting you were unfaithful?

Take a close look at your relationship. 

Is your partner controlling and possessive?  That isn’t a healthy relationship.  Is it possible he/she is cheating?  Is it possible they are really unhappy and don’t know any other way to say it?  Could you two be distanced by something that your partner is interpreting as unfaithfulness?  Address these issues.
   

Look at your own behaviors. 

Are you distancing or emotionally unavailable?  Do you communicate what is going on for you so your partner is aware?  Are you a flirt?  Do you give reason for your partner to be afraid?  Do you do things that enable your partner to think you could be cheating?  Talk with your partner about what things he/she is seeing which bother them and admit if you are doing them.

Understand there is nothing you can do to change your partner’s mind if they don’t want it to change. 

If they can’t believe you when it is clear you aren’t cheating, this is a huge red flag!  The relationship needs major work, or you need to get out.

Lastly, avoid the “fuck-its”. 

This is the thought “Well, I keep being accused of it, so fuck it I’m going to cheat.”  Don’t act out in frustration.  If you feel this way, then it is time to leave or get your partner into real relationship work with you.

 

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